Perhaps one of the hardest things about becoming a single mother was realizing that church did not feel as comfortable as it once had. Sitting in pews surrounded by families with fathers only increased the deep pain I felt. It felt like a reminder of all I had lost. This only served to make me feel that I didn’t belong in the very place I so desperately wanted to belong.
My church was somewhat unaccustomed to caring for single mothers, as I was literally the only one in my church at that time. To be clear, my pastor and his wife were nothing short of amazing, and the youth pastor was very attuned to my kids’ sadness after we lost their father, but the grief of being alone was much to bear, even in their kindness. A couple of families we were close to before my husband died remained very faithful to care for us, but there was a large cross-section of the church that didn’t quite know what to make of us. I knew people were praying and trying to figure out how to serve our family in our grief and loss, but the reality of sitting in church every Sunday as a single mom was simply hard.
But God - in His graciousness and mercy - taught me a lot during that season. He opened my eyes to some of the ways that I was making church harder than it ought to be. The hard truth for single moms is that some days, we can be our own worst enemies. And this truth, along with the reality that we do have an enemy of our soul, just makes things difficult sometimes.
Here are a few of the things the Lord showed me that made my journey in the church (and in life) harder than it needed to be:
Self-Pity
For a classic portrait of self-pity, picture the prophet Jonah, sitting dejected under his wilted plant outside the city of Ninevah. Jonah did not want to preach to the Ninevites, so he boarded a ship headed in the opposite direction. He wound up saved by the miraculous provision of a whale, and his belated obedience led to great repentance across the entire city.
But Jonah never liked the Ninevites, he didn’t want them to be saved, and he didn’t appreciate being the vehicle of their deliverance. He’s so angry about his success in ministry that he wants to die (Jonah 4:3). Then his plant wilts, and he’s left to wallow in the broiling sun, which makes him want to die again.
Self-pity endangers our contentment and gratitude by convincing single parents, as Jonah believed, that God has done us wrong. Our God NEVER does us wrong. Self-pity rejects the circumstances of our lives and declares them “not good enough” for me. What’s more, self-pity can lead us to justify other sins, like shopping for things we don’t need, dating men we know aren’t right for us, and talking badly about our ex in front of whoever will listen. All the while, we believe that we – and our kids!—deserve better than the single-parent life God has allowed for us, and we feel very sorry for ourselves indeed.
Bitterness and envy
One spring I laid new sod in my backyard. Keeping it free of weeds felt like a full-time job. If I did not pull seedlings regularly, the ground would become hard, or the roots deep, and the unwanted sprouts did not come up easily.
"The root of bitterness is as tough as crabgrass. Hebrews 12:15 warns us to “see to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”
The seeds of bitterness fall frequently; unfair circumstances and unkind people sow envy, resentment, bitterness, and unforgiveness in our hearts and minds, causing trouble for everyone around us.
The whole Bible tells what God has done to reconcile us to himself, but the story of the reunion between Jacob and Esau is particularly beautiful. As boys, these two clash when their parents play favorites. With help from their mom, Jacob tricks Esau out of his birthright and steals his blessing, and he is forced to run away so Esau won’t kill him. Years later, God speaks to Jacob in a dream and tells him to return home, which means meeting up with Esau again. Jacob travels behind a load of extravagant gifts to give to Esau, hoping to appease the brother he imagines is still angry.
To Jacob’s surprise and delight, Esau runs to meet him and grabs him in a tearful hug. All is forgiven. Esau asks Jacob why he sent the gifts; Jacob replies that he was trying to “find favor” with his brother. Esau’s response is beautiful: “I have enough, my brother; keep what you have for yourself “(Gen 33:9, italics mine).
How could Esau forgive such deep betrayal? The answer lies in those three little words: “I have enough.” Bitterness says, “I have been treated poorly.” Contentment says, “I have enough.” Envy says, “What that person has is better than what I have.” Peace says, “I have enough.” Bitterness says, “Someone will pay for what has happened to me.” Forgiveness says, “I have enough.” Jealousy says, “No one else suffers like I do.” Satisfaction says, “I have enough.”
Single parents (and all others) have to fight to believe that in Christ we have enough, in Christ we are enough. Jesus tells us that “the work of God is this: to believe in the one he has sent” (John 6:28). By doing the work of believing, we train our hearts to be content with the life God has given us. When we truly believe we have enough, our hearts open up to love others, and we walk in the freedom Christ died to give us (Gal 5:1), both in the church and in the world.
Adapted from the author’s book, God’s Grace for Every Family: Biblical Encouragement for Single-Parent Families and the Churches The Seek to Love Them Well.
