I want to tell you, in full disclosure, that there were many things on the list that I am about to give you that I did not do well in one season or another in my parenting. I spent so much time in my single parenting years worried about whether or not my children would be okay or if I was doing everything right. There were things that I learned over time and corrected as my children got older. There were things, over time, that the Lord taught me that required an apology to one or more of my children. I also want you to know that I have gone through very, very tough times with my children – times that I do not always share publicly because the stories are theirs personally and not always mine to share. But I want you to understand that I know what it is like to battle for the lives of your children. And the things I’m going to share are applicable whether your children are toddlers, young adults, or somewhere in between.
1. Be an example worth following.
1 Timothy 4:12 says, “Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity.”
Titus 2:7-8 says, “Show yourself in all respects to be a model of good works, and in your teaching show integrity, and sound speech that cannot be condemned, so that an opponent may be put to shame, having nothing evil to say about us."
Children will emulate what they see. You can put every behavior and consequence in place that you want. You can place chore charts and rules. You can scream. You can spank. But it is what they see that will matter the most. Questions to consider as you navigate through parenting:
> Do you respond in patience, gentleness, and the fruits of the Spirit that are supposed to be living inside you?
> Are you respectful to your children, listening to them as they share how they are feeling? Do you even ask?
> Do you monitor your own time on social media and intake of godly entertainment?
> Do you set an atmosphere of praise in your home?
> Do your children see you reading the Word of God?
> Do they see you speaking in a way that honors the Lord behind the scenes, or do you use profanity and speak word curses regularly?
Even teenagers and young adults who are sometimes in their most rebellious season notice how you respond and what your life looks like.
2. Establish peace in the home.
Joshua 24:15 says, “But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.” Decide that your home will be a place of refuge, peace, and strong boundaries. Lose the emotion. Don’t be quick to anger. Don’t scream. Don’t use profanity. Don’t play music that doesn’t honor the Lord. Laugh. Have fun. Be a woman that your children can talk to. Your children need to feel safe in the home. They need to feel like they aren’t in a constant panic because they cannot please you. Do you highlight the good things they are doing? Do you take the time to praise? Do you smile and laugh more than you cry and growl? Has there been an atmosphere of worship set in your home such that the Holy Spirit is welcome there? Galatians 5:23 tells us that the fruit of our walk with the Lord is peace. Is that the fruit that is being produced in your home?
3. Focus on character more than behavior.
Matthew 7:21-23 says, “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ There will be times when you feel like you are dealing only with your kid’s actions and behaviors: disobedience, disrespect, lying, stealing… But when you are experiencing negative behavior, there’s more under the surface, and the question you need to be asking yourself is, “what is happening in my child’s heart?” The easy temptation of parenthood is to work on behavior modification. We punish bad behavior and reward good behavior. But raising kids to love God and be more like Jesus is about developing their character. Actions and behaviors aren’t the same as truly knowing Christ. Encourage your children to know Christ deeply, not just “behave well.” Most of us are concerned far more about how it appears on the outside to others than what is actually going on inside.
4. Stop enabling your children.
It does not help them. Lose the guilt. We spend so much time feeling guilty that we enable them. Nothing fruitful is yielded through guilt and enablement. Your guilt will not produce good fruit. Perhaps you made some mistakes as a parent. The Word says, “There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.” Once we have repented of those mistakes, move on. Sometimes, due to guilt, exhaustion, lack of understanding, or any number of reasons, we enable and indulge our children. We get tired of whining or temper tantrums or anger, and we simply give in. The problem is, the whining and the temper tantrums don’t stop as they age; they just look different, and we keep enabling. We become weak and tired, and we relinquish boundaries that we should have held their foot to the fire on. Do not overindulge! You do not do your children any favors by continuing to give in when they throw a fit, regardless of their age, or they attempt to bully you. Ask God for the strength necessary to hold strong boundaries and to discover what your child is actually saying and needing. Don’t buy the shoes if you can’t afford them. Don’t buy the toy. Don’t bend the rule that you deem important in your home. If you have a gut check about that party, don’t let them go. Don’t allow the guilt of long hours at work or a past mistake or an ugly divorce or even your own insecurities cause you to overindulge your children. It only cripples them. Do not do the school project. Do not give them the second snack. Whatever those things are that are important in your home, hold the line.
5. Not everything is a mountain.
Some of you are making mountains out of molehills. Not everything is a huge thing. So many times, I would explode over the least of things, such that my children were often scared of me. My pride told me that if my children were scared of me, then I was doing something right. That is a misnomer. First, they will eventually grow out of being scared of you. Second, the goal isn’t to evoke fear in your children. It is to raise them up in the way they should go. So that when they are old, they will not depart. Many of our children depart as they get older because we focused on making them afraid of us and not developing the character of who they are at their core. Evaluate what matters. Before you react, take some to think about it first. Does this matter? And if so, why? Is grace appropriate? God is a god of grace. Not everything deserves a consequence. Is their repentance and sorrow enough?
Ephesians 2:8 says, "For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God."
1 Corinthians 15:10 says, "But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace toward me was not in vain."
6. Do not ignore the elephant in the room.
Ignoring there is a problem with your children does not mean it is going away. There were times in my parenting, when I was too tired to address something. I was too scared to address something. I was too confused to address something - unsure about how to handle it. Matthew 18:15-17 says “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.” While this is an example of how to resolve conflict among Believers within the church, this is a good template for us to use with our children. We do not avoid problems. We address them. We do not cower in fear as parents. We operate in the full authority granted by Christ Jesus. We do not avoid. We confront. Our children’s lives are at stake.
7. Become a parent of prayer.
"The prayers of the righteous availeth much." James 5:16 tells us. I find that many parents underestimate this critical and powerful component of their Christian journey (and their parenting). There is much that is taking place in the spirit realm that we cannot see. There is much territory being taken when we open our mouths and cry out to the God who created us. He created our children. He knew them while they were yet in our wombs. He loves them, and He loves us. Why do we talk to (and complain) to others for more than we do our Lord? We must pray morning and night (without ceasing). We must seek God’s instruction for our children’s lives. We must pray for them and about them. We must not only pray when they are in trouble or angry but pray constantly for their future, their salvation, and their holiness. Pray for protection. Prayer shifts everything!
