1. Stop dating someone's potential.

Yes, a man could be anything! He could be more kind. He could be more thoughtful. He could be respectful, honor your boundaries, work hard, and treat you like a princess. But, too often, women are settling for less than God’s best, evaluating what a man could be versus what he is. See who they are now. Stop making excuses for poor behavior in hopes that it will one day rectify itself. “If he could just do this or that, he’d be perfect. If he would just surrender his life to the Lord and live for Jesus, it would be great. Everything else about him is wonderful!” It isn’t realistic or healthy to date someone’s potential and future. It will likely leave you disappointed. Could they change? Certainly. Will they? Who knows for sure? The question really is “Do you like who they are today?” and “Are you willing to date/marry the person they are today?” If the answer to that is no, then you need to move on and do not waste unnecessary time trying to fix someone.

2. Know what you want.

Have you taken the time to consider what you want from a relationship? What are the things that are important to you? Do you have an idea of what kids and marriage and finances and future goals look like? Are there non-negotiables? (Hint: There should be!). Have you sought of the Lord for His vision for your future, writing these things down, and making them plain, so that you would not be distracted or confused in the future? (See Habakkuk 2:2-3.) Do you have boundaries? Understand what you want and be willing to wait on those things, until they come along. Wait upon the Lord’s provision. The Lord is not hasty, nor should you be.

3. Evaluate His values.

What he says matters, but what he actually does matters most. Often, people say they are Christian. They say they love the Lord. But where is the fruit? They say family matters to them. They say they want to get married one day. They say Jesus is Lord. But sometimes what they do doesn’t parallel their words. Evaluate the values you observe in the lives of those you are considering dating. Does what they do and say align with the values you hold dear? Is the walk and the talk aligning? Or is compromise a regular occurrence. Examine his “fruit.” Matthew 7: 16a says, “You will know them by their fruits.” Many times, in the brokenness of a failed relationship, we will say, “I didn’t see that coming.” But the truth is, many of us did see it coming and chose to ignore it. We saw the fruit of their lives and overlooked it. Is this person kind to others? Honest? Gentle with you and others? Patient? Does he exhibit the peace of God? Is he a man of integrity and honesty? Do you get a “gut feeling” that something isn’t right or is being hidden? Does he pay his bills on time? Does he have a good relationship with parents, family, and children? Active in a local church? These are the questions that you should be asking, as you consider a future mate.  

4. Dispel the lie that no good men exist.

If you believe no good man exists, then you will carry yourself as such. First, how unfair to men that we would perpetuate such a lie that there aren’t any good ones anymore! Second, if you believe there are no good men left, then you will compromise your values to simply settle for what’s left. The bar subconsciously lowers when you believe that the standard is too high and no good men really are left out there in the dating pool. There are good men out there. There are hard workers and men of honor and integrity – good future husbands. Don’t become jaded by the pain of your past. 

5. Be approachable.

In a world where women are told to be independent and that you don’t need a man, too often women can become closed off, emotionally unavailable, and unapproachable. The walls standing after a failed relationship, if unaddressed, never get torn down. While your mouth may say you would like to be married, your emotions and behavior say otherwise. Be kind. Be open. Be willing to be vulnerable, as the Lord leads. Be available to enter into a relationship, when the Lord has given direction and healing. 

6. Be willing to be led.

Many women are frustrated that men won’t lead, but truthfully, many times, we haven’t put them in a position to. If you are dominating, controlling, and voice opinions about “not needing a man”, then you will not empower a future mate to lead. Buying into the cultural lie that somehow being led, as a woman, is weak, demeaning, or undesirable is just that – a lie. God created women as helpmates for their partner. There is nothing wrong with admitting that you want to be taken care of. This doesn’t mean you add no value or are weak or lazy. Of course not. It simply means that empowering men to lead the home is God’s design and blessings come with being in God’s order. 

7. Be prepared to bring something to the table.

Proverbs 31:11 says, “Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life.”  While you wait upon the Lord to open up the door to a future spouse, what are you working on. Enrich means “to add to”. Are you working on your finances, your spiritual journey, and your health during the season of waiting? Are you allowing the Lord to refine the places that could be problematic in a future relationship or have been in past ones? Are you preparing for marriage to enrich your future spouse’s life? 

8. Heal.

Take the time to heal from the heartache of past relationships or trauma. No one, no matter how great, can heal you, but the Lord. A new relationship should not have to pay for an old one. Unfortunately, too many women rush into a new relationship in hopes that its distraction will miraculously heal the gaping hole left from an old one. It won’t. A bleeding wound usually reopens, when it hasn’t healed properly.