When I was a little girl, I hated when certain foods touched other foods on my plate. I do not mean I slightly disliked it or that it was a minor inconvenience or even an irritant. I mean, I would absolutely lose it, if my food touched. When I was about three years old, I sat at the dinner table where fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and sweet peas were served on a plate and placed in front of me. It wasn’t long before a few stray peas slyly rolled over into my mashed potatoes and gravy. Within seconds, tears streamed down my face and moments later, I vividly remember rolling and thrashing on the floor in a full-blown temper tantrum. My peas had actually touched my mashed potatoes on the plate! They actually touched!
That was a few decades ago, and yet, I still remember that incident vividly. Why? Because the anger that railed inside of me had nothing to do with the peas and potatoes, as you likely have already guessed. Some of you are in the midst of the battle of your life as you parent through immense difficulties with your children, including anger and rage, disobedience and defiance, mental health diagnoses, rebellion, and more. I can relate. Not only did I navigate through many seasons of my own rebellion, disobedience, rage, and pain throughout childhood, but I later became a parent! While my children are now grown, there were many seasons of parental difficulty, where I felt I was drowning. I’m going to offer some wisdom on navigating difficult parenting seasons, whether you have small children or older ones.
First, be reminded that our children are gifts from God. They are precious and called with a purpose. God has a plan for them, filled with a future and a hope. And we love them with every fiber of our being. Admitting that our children can be difficult does not mean they aren’t called by God or that we don’t love them immensely, it simply means that parenting them is... well...difficult!
Here is what I learned along my own difficult parenting journey:
1. Lose the guilt.
Just because your children have missed the mark doesn’t mean you are a terrible parent. For so long, I carried this immense guilt if my children failed a test or cheated or used profanity or stayed out too late or in some way broke the rules laid out before them. I somehow internalized that every behavior was a reflection of my parenting. It immobilized me. It immobilized my children. It alienated them. It made me an angry parent. Our Heavenly Father is perfect and yet we, His children, make mistakes. It doesn’t mean He is any less a good Father. It means we have a sin nature that we grapple with. Lose the guilt and offer the kids some grace. (Note: To be clear, I certainly believe in consequences, too.) Nothing effective is accomplished through guilty parenting. When we parent through guilt, we often parent through anger, excuse-making, or even enablement. Nothing fruitful is yielded through guilt.
2. Laugh again.
When was the last time you had fun with your children? Do you know what I have sadly found to be true? We get involved in tasks and duties and checklists and rules. We are so inundated with the demands of laundry and homework and carpool and soccer practice that we forget to have fun. We spend most of our time putting out the fires of those screaming the loudest, reprimanding and punishing and correcting and disciplining. We don’t take the time to dance in the rain, karaoke in the living room, and play board games. We have stopped laughing with our children. We become the big, bad, angry, monster always looking to correct them with furrowed brows. Learn to enjoy your children again. Get to know them again. What do they enjoy? Who are they? What are they feeling? Talk to them. Laugh with them. Play with them. Spend time with them. ‘The joy of the Lord is our strength,’ Nehemiah 8:10 says. Have you lost your joy with your children? Are you kind to your children? Sometimes, we think if we laugh with them or have fun with them, especially older ones, that we’re letting them off the hook for poor behavior, so we feel like we need to constantly make them pay. This is not the heart of our Father.
3. Don't overindulge.
Parents are tired. We balance a dozen balls in the air at any given time. Sometimes, due to guilt, exhaustion, lack of understanding, or any number of reasons, we enable and indulge. We get tired of the whining, the temper tantrums, the busted hole in the wall, or the defiance, and we simply give in. We become weak on the parenting journey, and we relinquish boundaries that we should have held their foot to the fire on. Do not overindulge! It will reap dividends later. Ask God for the strength necessary to hold strong boundaries. Don’t buy the shoes, if you can’t afford them. Don’t buy the toy. Don’t bend the rule that you deemed important in your home. If you have a gut check about that party, don’t let them go. Don’t allow the guilt of long hours at work or a past mistake or even your own insecurities cause you to overindulge your children. It only cripples them.
4. Set the thermostat.
Lose the emotion. Don’t be quick to anger. Don’t scream. I once was holding a conversation with my now adult son and he said, “Mom, you always set a great temperature in the room.” He began to explain how I laughed and brought joy (at least sometimes.) As the parent we get to set the thermostat of our homes. James 1:2-4 says, “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” Some of you are probably thinking, “Yes, I should lack absolutely nothing, then, because I’ve been endured this trial for a long while!” I know that some of you have grown weary in your parenting as you endure endless fits and tantrums, but I want to encourage you to operate in patience. It’s a fruit promised to you when you accept Christ. Further, your testing is producing patience. Scripture teaches us we lack nothing when we have it. Do you read the Word together? Do you pray with and for your children? Do you have family meetings about hard things, not just surface-level conversation?
5. Stay the course.
Parents, I know it is hard. I know the days are long and sometimes thanks are few. I know that there seems to be little rest for weary souls, but don’t stop praying. Don’t stop believing. Don’t stop implanting wisdom and truth and wise counsel. The Lord will mount you on wings like eagles. He will restore, in due time, so stay the course. When they are adults, they will stand and called you blessed. Don’t give up, even when you can’t see the fruit of your labor in this season. You are planting seeds.
6. Respond softly.
We learn in Proverbs 15: 1 that a ‘soft answer turns away wrath.’ May I be honest? When someone has lost their temper with me or is disrespecting or disobeying me, the last thing I want to do is respond softly! However, the Word teaches us that our response to a situation can make the difference in creating peace and calm in an environment. My late Aunt Marie was the queen of this! I can remember seeing my daughter at two years old throwing a royal temper tantrum at her home when we were over for a visit. There was kicking and screaming, and red faces involved. My aunt simply leaned over and gently picked her up and began to softly whisper in her ear that the Lord loved her and that her mother loved her and that we wanted her to be safe, etc. Within seconds, my wailing two-year-old was sitting calmly on the couch and listening. It made a huge impression.
7. Lean in to the holy spirit.
The Holy Spirit sets captives free. The power that raised Christ from the dead lives in your, according to Romans 8:11. The Spirit leads and guides us. He comforts and offers wisdom. He is the X-Factor that changes everything. My kids used to “hate” my relationship with the Holy Spirit. He would reveal things to me through the power of discernment that would catch them every time. I would have a dream that I could not shake. I would have a “gut feeling” and just knew that something was up. I would drive over to a home where my children were staying the night to get them, when I couldn’t explain why. Learn more about the Holy Spirit and the gifts He offers. It can be a life-changer in parenting, and every other facet of life.
8. Take your rightful authority through Christ's shed blood and the power of the holy spirit.
You don’t have to negotiate with your children about your authority. You simply are the authority. I find too many parents negotiating for the authority of their home. If you do this…. then I’ll do that. No. With one word, our God created heaven and earth. With one word, the ocean only goes so far. With one word, the storm calmed. Authority is powerful, and it is never negotiated for. It simply is. The more you operate in your authority (not as a tyrant, but as a comfortable parents who knows your identity), the more your children will rest. Even teenagers yearn for boundaries and authority. Now, they certainly won’t tell you that, but they do, nonetheless. Know what you are battling. Is it a spirit or is it an emotion? The emotion of anger is a normal healthy emotion. We see Jesus flipping tables in the temple, when His father’s house had been disrespected. This was a righteous anger. He was warranted in his frustration and exhibited the emotion. Sometimes, this is the case with our children. They have been hurt at school or wounded in some way and anger is the response. However, there is also the spirit of anger. This spirit is sent on assignment from the enemy of our souls. We must recognize that there is often a battle in the spirit realm and our children could very well be battling something unseen. Ephesians 6:12 says, “For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places” We must become well-versed in warfare strategies when our children have a “spirit of anger” tormenting them.
9. Pray.
‘The prayers of the righteous availeth much,’ James 5:16 tells us. I find that many parents underestimate this critical and powerful component of their Christian journey (and their parenting). There is much that is taking place in the spirit realm that we cannot see. There is much territory being taken, when we open our mouths and cry out to the God who created us. He created our children. He knew them while they were yet in our wombs. He loves them and he loves us. Why do we talk to (and complain) to others more than we do our Lord? We must pray morning and night (without ceasing). We must seek God’s instruction for our children’s lives. We must pray for them and about them. We must not only pray when they are in trouble or angry, but pray constantly for their future, their salvation, and their holiness. Pray for protection. Prayer shifts everything!
