There is no denying that dating can be difficult, particularly in a culture that widely devalues Christian morals and standards. Because of my decades-long work with single moms, and the many questions I field on Christian dating for single women, I have put together eight of the best tips I can offer for Christian single mothers who are considering entering a dating relationship. One thing is for certain - dating with kids is much more complicated than dating without. You have other humans to think about! You have other emotions to consider. You have the complexities of not only your life experiences and potential grief, but also theirs. Dating should not be taken lightly. It should be done after much prayer. But when you are ready, here are the top things I would tell any single mother considering entering the dating world (including tips I used in my own single mothering journey years ago):
1. ONLY DATE WHEN HEALTHY.
My goodness, I can’t tell you the number of single mothers that I have counseled that moved far too quickly from a divorce or break-up into a new relationship and paid the price of heartbreak. It can be easy to do. Sometimes, the weight of exhaustion, loneliness, stress, and overwhelm can exacerbate the desire to have a husband to just "fix it all". However, your pursuit of a new relationship won’t erase the existing hurt of an old one. It won’t heal it. Unfortunately, too many second marriages or new relationships pay the price for a broken-hearted mom who didn’t take the time to properly mend. Be healthy in all areas before you pursue a new relationship - financially, emotionally, spiritually, parentally, etc. When you are healthy, you aren't looking for someone to complete you. You know your completion comes in Christ. For those needing help healing from a broken heart, check out 19 Ways to Heal from a Broken Heart.
“Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life.”
Proverbs 31:11
Enrich means 'to add to'. This means you are complete, whole, healthy, and looking to “add to” someone’s life, not have them fix yours.
2. Set boundaries early.
Don’t wait to be head-over-heels for a guy before deciding what your boundaries will be. It can be too little, too late, when emotions have already been invested. Compromise happens when preparation and planning lacks. Compromise happens when boundaries don't exist. Boundaries aren't suggestions for a future mate, by the way. They are rules that you have created through prayer that you deem important for you and the children. Pray about what you want from a relationship. Pray about what God wants. Pray about appropriate timing. Then, outline what are the healthiest boundaries for you and your child(ren). Your boundaries may look different from someone else’s, but they should always align with Biblical standards. Here are a few to consider. (Hint: List them out long before you decide to date again.)
3. Proceed with caution.
The devastation of a divorce or failed relationship can take months of even years to heal. The remnants that remain can have lasting effects. The worst thing that could happen to yourself or your precious kiddos is to have to go through it again. Don’t throw caution to the wind. Pray. Seek. Listen to what God is telling you. Be still before God and hear what He has for you, not what you desire for yourself. God speaks to those who listen, who have ears to hear. Obey His commands and wait upon Him.
4. Don't ignore the red flags.
We all have had that friend who is dating the wrong guy and everyone knows it but her! Newsflash: she knows it, too! If you embark upon a new relationship, and the guy is rude, late, unemployed, untrustworthy, not kid-friendly, pushing sexual boundaries, or anything else you deem inappropriate, don’t make excuses and pretend it will go away. It won’t. The red flags will only get bigger as time goes on. Do not waste time and emotional capital investing in a relationship that the Lord has not endorsed.
5. Don't be ruled by emotions.
Jeremiah 17:9 teaches us that being ruled by our hearts can be misleading or deceitful. Jumping into the water with both feet, because he gives you the “tingles” can leave you disappointed in the end. Again, take your time. I remember once hearing a women’s pastor share about how she met her husband. They met in college, and he was not her type. In fact, she only went out with him as a favor to a friend (and much persistence from him). Although he was nice, she found herself uninterested and waiting for the date to be over. When she arrived back to her dorm room that evening, he had sent her a dozen roses with a card that said, “Thanks for an amazing first date.” She was so blown away by his thoughtfulness (before the date) that she agreed to go out with him again. As time passed, she went out with him a few more times, and God slowly changed her heart, as she sought the will of her Heavenly Father. The man that she once had no interest in suddenly became the man of her dreams. Her heart skipped a beat as she saw him. They have been married more than 10 years now. Thank God, she didn’t let her emotions ruin God’s good thing for her life.
6. When god speaks, respond.
The Holy Spirit gives us a “gut check” when things aren’t quite right or in contrast, a peace when they are. Go with that. It is the leading and guiding of the Holy Spirit that gives you clear discernment and wisdom. Don’t discount the significance of the Holy Spirit's leading, guiding, and prompting. Be willing to not go on the second date, if the Lord says not to. Be willing to lay down the relationship, if the Lord gives the prompt. Your obedience matters. This leading is the Lord's provision to protect you. Many women will often tell me later that they knew the Lord told them to not pursue a particular relationship, but they disobeyed and paid for it.
7. Choose someone who walks with the lord
This seems like a no-brainer for Christian women, but it is always surprising to me the number of women (single moms) who think they can “fix” a guy. "He’s a nice guy. He’s a good guy. He’s hard-working," they may say. However, just because he "identifies as a Christian" doesn't make it so. What is the fruit of his life? Does he go to church? Does he read the Word? does he pray? Does he exhibit the character of Christ in his decisions? Does the company he keeps reflect men of high integrity and honor?
8. Finding a Godly man is about being a godly woman.
Properly position yourself to find a Christian husband, but choosing not to neglect your own walk with the Lord. Be a godly woman. Honor the Lord in word and deed. Don't be so focused on trying to find your Godly husband, that you lose sight of the work you need to do to be that Godly wife for him one day. When you turn it over to God and focus on your path, in God's timing, he will find you.
"The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord."
Proverbs 18:22
