The Wound of an Absent Father by Rhonda Stoppe

As a single mom, you see the pain it causes your children to not have their father engaged in their lives. And if you were honest, it likely burns a deep hurt in your own heart too.

Most children long to admire their father - no surprise there. Daughters want to be the apple of their daddy’s eye, and sons want their dad to be their hero. When dad doesn’t measure up, it may be tempting to try and soften the blow by telling your children all the reasons why they shouldn’t rely on their father. But be aware, when you point out all of his failures, your children, especially your son, may respond with feelings of resentment toward you for tearing down their father. Do not put your kids in a place where they feel they must constantly choose which parent to align with.

Forgiving people raise forgiving people.

The more your children see you practice forgiveness, the more your example will train them not to hold onto unforgiveness. Forgiving someone who has done us wrong is never easy. And yet, this is God’s path to freedom from a painful past. By teaching your child to forgive their father, you will set them free from a life filled with resentment and pain. Let it begin with you.

In order to teach your kids to forgive, you may need to repent of your own resentment first. I know that’s a big ask. I get it. But letting go of your own bitterness is critical toward your spiritual growth and maturity. And bitterness will always defile your other relationships - beginning with your own kids.

Notice, I did not imply that your child’s father has apologized or even that he “deserves forgiveness.” That is not the point. Jesus said we are to forgive 70 times seven because He knows how un-forgiveness will destroy His children. And it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. So He is the One Who can help you learn to forgive.

Once you’re on the path to breaking free from resenting your kid’s dad, you will be ready to help your children process their own feelings in a helpful manner. When your children struggle with feelings of abandonment (and they will) help them to focus on how as Christians they are part of the family of God. God has given His children a place to belong, even when their biological families are lacking. Celebrate this gift by being a vital part of your church community.

Then, direct your kid's focus toward God’s deep love for them.

In this way, you can help your kids break free from dwelling on how their father’s absence has wounded them. For my adopted son, whose father had rejected him, the realization of God’s deep love for him was vital to finding his worth and breaking free.

Raising children can be difficult as single mom, but take heart, Psalm 68:5 says the Lord is “a father of the fatherless.” As you walk closely to God, He will be faithful to His Word about being a father of the fatherless and help you raise your children in the admonition of the Lord.

Some advice for the single moms raising sons...

I have a friend who was a single mother of two sons. I have known her since her boys were very young. Over the years, she has diligently worked on two major relationships: with God and with her sons. She took seriously God’s promise to be a father to her fatherless sons and knew He would be the One to help her gain their respect. She also knew her sons needed Godly mentors. She wanted the boys to have heroes they could look up to. How better to find God-fearing men than to ask the Lord to direct her sons to men in the church? Now in their thirties, her sons can look back and name several Christian men who taught them to be good men.

In the same way, you would be wise to help your children find Godly heroes. I’m not talking about men who simply follow religious rules. Rather, ask God to help you find mentors who are faithful and exhibit Christlike character. The young men of this generation ache for heroes who are genuine, passionate, and noble. And young women need to see how a Godly man treats his wife and children.

If the father of your children is not present in their lives, rather than seething with resentment over his lack, train your children to forgive their father - even when it’s hard. Determine to expose your kids to men who sincerely love the Lord and passionately glorify Him in all areas of life. Throughout generations, God has shown Himself faithful to be a Father to the fatherless and, if you seek Him, He can do the same for your children as well.

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Meet The Author

Rhonda Stoppe

Rhonda Stoppe’s messages weave Christian comedy and transparent stories together with sound biblical doctrine. As an author of 6 books and popular speaker, for more than 30 years, Rhonda has helped women build no regrets lives. Rhonda is a pastor’s wife, mother, grandmother, mom coach and marriage mentor. Rhonda is a favorite podcast guest and has appeared numerous times on Focus on the Family, and Dr. James Dobsons’ FamilyTalk. Subscribe to Rhonda’s new podcast, Old Ladies Know Stuff. and visit her website NoRegretsWoman.com for more about Rhonda’s books and resources.

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