What does it take to be a man?
I can remember it like it was yesterday. My junior high football team had just finished practice, and our coach was preparing us for our first game of the season. You could feel the excitement surrounding the team as he talked about the team we were facing and the plays we’d be running. Then, out of nowhere, my coach dropped a little detail that sent me into a panic.
“Now guys, remember… We wear ties on game day. If we look our best, we’ll play our best. If you don’t know how to tie a tie, just ask your dad. He’ll help you.”
For most kids, this detail was no big deal. But for me, growing up without a father around, this was catastrophic news. Fear ran through my body as I realized I had no one at home to help me tie a tie.
Being raised by a single mom, there were a lot of things I didn’t know how to do because I didn’t have a man around to teach me. My mom is amazing and taught me a ton of things that have helped me succeed in life, but the one thing my mom couldn’t teach me was how to be a man.
For a long time, I didn’t talk about not having a father around. I didn’t know it at the time, but growing up without a father in the home impacted me in some pretty significant ways. As a teenager, I was angry, had issues trusting adults, and felt a general fear of most things, including taking risks, trying new things, and putting myself in uncomfortable situations. I would never say it, but I wanted a man to affirm me, give me positive attention, and accept me just as I was. When I didn’t receive those from my father, I tried my hardest to find them wherever I could, whether it was by making good grades, dating as many girls as I could, or by being the kid who would do anything at a party.
I was headed down a bad path until I met my mentor Bob.
Bob was the first man in my life to accept me just as I was. He didn’t care so much about how cool I was or how many friends I had. He simply cared about me. He was the one who gave me the affirmation, attention, and acceptance that I so badly needed. Without me even knowing it, my relationship with Bob was helping me grow in security, confidence, and self-value. Bob gave me someone to emulate and someone to look up to.
It’s no stretch to say that I wouldn’t be where I am today without my mentor Bob.
Mentoring can play a vital role in the life of a young man who doesn’t have a father around. A mentor is not a replacement for a father, but instead, someone who partners with the mother to help the child reach their full potential. Mentoring changed my life, and I strongly recommend it to any single mother and her child. Whether it is formal mentoring through a mentoring organization or informal group mentoring through sports, after-school programs, or a church, access to positive male role models is a good thing for any child.
If you are interested in finding a mentor for your child, here are some things to look for:
> Will the mentor show up on a consistent basis? Best practice is for a mentor to show up twice a month.
> Will the mentor build up my child? Make sure the mentor is encouraging your child instead of tearing them down.
> Does this mentor love Jesus, and are they submitted to a church home? This will provide you as a parent with the knowledge that the mentor has some level of accountability in their life.
If you are interested in being a part of a mentoring organization, make sure you ask the following questions.
> Does the program require mentors to do a background check, references, and sexual abuse prevention training? If so, please talk with the organization to find out as much information as possible about your child’s potential mentor.
> What are their guidelines on one-on-one interactions with a mentor and a child? It is up to you and you alone regarding the level of interaction you’d like for your child to have with their mentor.
> Do they have another mom or two you could talk to as a reference to see if the program is a good fit for your child? Someone who has been a part of the program can give you their honest feedback about their experiences with the program.
> How will this organization ensure that the mentor will show up on a consistent basis? Ensuring your child’s mentor will show up in a safe and appropriate way is the most important part of mentoring. The last thing your child needs is someone to say they will be there for them, only to abandon them.
Having a mentor in the life of your child can make a huge difference and can set them up to fulfill their full potential. Mentors won’t fix everything and aren’t perfect, but they are a great support to a mom who wants the best for their child. Mentoring changed my life for the better. Maybe it can do the same with your son or daughter.
