When I was a senior in high school, I was named an Oklahoma Academic All-Stater. Sounds important, right? It was an honor given to the top 100 seniors in the state as selected by a very prestigious board of directors composed of senators, Supreme Court justices, governors, and several other distinguished individuals.
I will never forget reading through the biographies of the honorees. One thing stood out: almost every honoree appeared to come from a traditional, two-parent home. It was obvious how the stability of the family contributed to the achievements of the individual.
When I was faced with the disintegration of my family, my mind resurrected that memory from so many years earlier. My heart ached for my own children who were going to walk through the brokenness of divorce at such young ages, and I wondered if my children would be ok. Would they ever experience the success that, in my mind, accompanied the stability of the family?
If you read the studies on the impact of being raised by a single mother, it can be overwhelming. Poverty. Emotional and behavioral difficulties. Lower levels of scholastic achievement. Poor coping skills. I could probably go on, but I don’t think it’s necessary. Those of us who are (or were) single mothers are very much aware of the statistics.
But can I tell you something?
Your children are not destined to be a statistic!!
When my marriage ended, my kids blossomed into confident and happy kids! What I found was that a healthy single parent home just might be far superior to a dysfunctional two-parent home! When kids have a safe, healthy environment in which they can learn and grow, they excel! When kids have a home where they are loved and accepted as their imperfect, childlike selves, they can thrive in all areas.
So how do you help ensure your kids will be ok?
Get As Healthy As You Can
There’s a good chance you suffered a tremendous amount of pain, devastation, and trauma before you reached the place of being a single mom. Maybe it’s from an unfaithful spouse. Maybe your husband died. Maybe you were an unwed mother. No matter how you landed in this place as a single mom, there’s a good chance you carry some baggage.
As I mentioned above, kids need a healthy home. A healthy home requires that we, as the mothers, find a way to be healthy ourselves. We must turn ourselves to God, seek His face, and ask Him to heal us. We must know the Truth because it is the Truth that sets us free (John 8:32).
How do you get healthy? Seek help through counseling. Surround yourself with trusted friends who will love you, support you, and speak truth. Dig into the Word of God. Get so close to Him that you find the beauty of God working in you and through you. Ask Him to show you how He does an incredible work in the midst of life’s most difficult circumstances (James 1:3-5).
Have High Expectations (but not unrealistic expectations)
Life isn’t fair. No child deserves to be caught in the pain and chaos that comes with divorce, death, or any other circumstance that led us to the single mom journey. However, don’t let it be an excuse for lowered expectations.
I always seem to think of Ben Carson, the famed surgeon and one-time presidential candidate. His mom set the standards of reading and studying, even though she couldn’t read herself. She was determined to see her kids succeed academically, and she refused to let their poverty and absent father be an excuse for lower standards.
My kids knew from the very beginning that I expected them to give their best! I didn’t expect all A’s in school—unless that was their level of ability. But, they knew from the very beginning that I expected them to give their best in whatever they chose to do. And that did not change just because I became a single mom.
Let Your Children Determine the Right Path for Themselves.
I never dreamed the hardest years of parenting would be from age 18-22! Sorry to disappoint if you are in the throes of child-rearing, but I would go back to the toddler days in a heartbeat! When your children are young, they trust you to make the right decisions for them. As they grow, we as mothers must learn to let go and trust our children to make the right choices for themselves.
Not one of my kids has followed the path I would have planned for them, and it has been a lesson in letting go and trusting God to care for my children. They will have successes and failures, and I will always be a safe spot for them regardless of the situation. However, I have learned to let my children choose their own paths.
Ask God to Be the Perfect Parent.
Can I let you in on a little secret? You aren’t a single parent! If you have a relationship with God, He is right there with you filling in all the gaps. He assures us that His strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9). Our responsibility is to do our part: live our lives in such a way that we lead our children to know the Father, pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17), and love unconditionally. Then, we can trust God to step in and do His part in the lives of our children.
While I hope you can take some encouragement from these words, please know we all have our struggles with kids who go astray. I have a dear friend who comes from a traditional, two-parent household. By all accounts, she’s done everything right. Yet, she has an adult child with addiction issues. We can’t control the choices our children make; however, we can trust God to step in and lovingly guide our children back to Him, in His time and in His way.
How did my kids turn out you might wonder? Let me share a quick synopsis with you.
My oldest is now 24 years old. He graduated as valedictorian of his high school class and earned a number of large scholarships. After three years of college, he announced that he was dropping out of college. Instead of completing his last year of college, he was going to become a pilot. Despite my fears, I did my best to love and support him. He is now a certified flight instructor, accumulating flight hours so he can get to the airlines. He has a beautiful wife of just over a year, and he is absolutely thriving!
My younger son experienced great success in FFA in high school, earning honors in livestock judging at the national level. He earned a full-ride scholarship to just about any college he wanted to attend! As he wrapped up his senior year during Covid, he announced he would be giving up all of his scholarships and not attending college. Once again, I had to let go and let him make his own choices. At the age of 20, he landed his dream job with a major fire department and is happily serving our community.
My daughter graduated from high school in 2022 and went off to a Christian college as a vocal music major. Again, she had an unprecedented number of scholarships. She was recognized as the most outstanding freshman by a number of vocal groups on campus, and she earned a place in every production her freshman year. As she went back to school this fall, she called me and said she was transferring to a different college where she has no scholarships. Why? Because she feels strongly God is leading her there. She needs to be in an environment where she can share the gospel and lead worship. How do you argue with that?
My point is simple: None of my kids is following my plan for their lives, but they are all doing amazing things! They bear their scars, but they are thriving in this thing called life! They have the most beautiful, tender hearts. They have learned to step out of their comfort zones and take risks in life. The hard years of single-momming. The exhausting years of giving my all. The years of prayer (something that never stops). The high expectations. The grace of God to complete the work I was doing. It has all paid off as my kids continue to thrive each and every day.
What more could a single mom want?
